I feel like when I was a teenager having feelings for someone was easier. I guess looking back, everything seemed simpler. I always had a habit of liking the wrong person – probably because I’m attracted to the qualities I find myself exhibiting: sarcasm, ego, independence, bitchiness. I like my men almost unattainable, just the way i find myself to be when someone exhibits feelings for me. Back then, liking someone wasn’t so dangerous. I knew I wasn’t going to be anyone’s girlfriend, and the only action that resulted from my crushing was online stalking and insane giggling – sometimes obsessive staring. I miss that. I miss not having anything to lose.
It’s different now. I started dating someone over a year ago, and for once, I actually thought it might go somewhere. It went lots of places physically – and emotionally – but it never became a full on relationship. Why? I seem to have an inability to fall for anyone emotionally available. I keep getting the guys who don’t want compromise, who don’t want to sacrifice, and who’d rather spend the day on the couch by themselves, or surfing, or hiking – without me. I’ve got great taste, right?
So I’ve recently decided to start dating people who may actually be worth my time (ick, right?). The problem is – the guy I’m seeing now may be worth my time – he certainly seems more interested in me than any of my past flings – but I’m having trouble developing actual feelings for him (of course I am). I’m annoyed at myself, frustrated with my life, and feel like I’m stuck in quicksand. I find myself struggling to no avail, overthinking the most minute details, and interestingly enough, unwilling to break things off with my long term fwb (you know. the one that isn’t going anywhere, and who only wants me when I don’t want him). I’ve had so much anxiety over this for the past 3 weeks that I’m wondering if i should be dating anyone at all. I’ve always thought of myself as self-completing, absolute, whole. Now I’m wondering if there’s some holes I need to patch up before actually looking for someone.
Maybe I should start doing yoga. Or barre. Or therapy. Or finally finish that book I’ve been writing.